My life is definitely moving forward but at an embarrassingly slow pace. It’s a bit like when you stand still on a travelator, only I just don’t have the motivation to start walking and consequently speed things up. I know roughly where I want to go but it seems I don’t want to get there. It may be a contradictory statement but it’s what I feel.
This is a similar sensation to when I get creative block only it’s not just ideas I’ve run out of. To me it is pretty evident that this sudden drop in drive is due to all the bumps in the road I’ve faced over the last few months and the fact that I’m pretty certain there are many many more ahead. This kind of problem cannot be fixed by roadworks. When I look at this situation logically I can persuade myself it’s a matter of caution and I’m not just totally giving up. But knowing this doesn’t stop it from dragging me down.
The last few weeks there are lot of doors I’ve put my foot in, but also a lot that I’ve walked into (hence the countless scratches and bruises all over my body). The simple fact that I’m writing this entire blog in similes and metaphors is evidence that I’ve still not quite come to terms with just how bad my health has got.
Luckily since writing the first part of this blog I have seen both my Neurologist and Life Coach and am feeling better about my general prognosis. Changes have been made to both my pills and overall perspective yet I still feel a strong sense of ambivalence. I’ve always felt at least partially in control of my condition, despite the opposite being the main symptom, but I now feel completely ignorant. I have no idea where it will go next or how it may affect my future.
Switching medication, particularly after such a short period of time, is always an uncertain process. It is more than likely that things will get worse before they potentially get better. The medication I am now on is one I’ve never heard of before, it is old-fashioned and comes with a lot of warnings. Going through so many changes in such a short period of time is hard for me to grasp and merged with all the other uncertainties my family is currently facing, it makes me very uneasy.
I’d like to say I’m going to try and focus on the positives and keep pushing forward but I’m not sure how true that statement would be. This hasn’t been a great start to the year but we still have two thirds of it to go.